On October 2, 2006, I unexpectedly became a SINGLE MOMMY.
Like many girls, I had plans for exactly how I wanted my family life to be. The hubs & I will have a dozen kids (JRoc’s such an amazing child, I thought he’d make a great big brother)… we’ll raise them to become exceptional people & leave a powerful legacy… and we’ll spoil our grand kids to bits & pieces!
BUT… sometimes you don’t get EXACTLY what you’ve had your heart set on… especially if your plans involve others, because the “other” could decide his plans don’t include you…
REWIND ONE DAY. Yesterday, I was out chatting with our kitty, Jordyn, while JRoc was taking a test. She was a stray who started hanging out with our Kaela (RIP) soon after we moved to Vegas – and now, very much a part of our little family. I asked, WHAT WOULD’VE HAPPENED to her if we never moved here… then (in true Carmen form) my mind went a WHOLE DIFFERENT DIRECTION. After 15 years, the ex hubs announced that our marriage SUCKED. He decided it was best for HIM to walk out and find happiness elsewhere. BUT… WHAT WOULD’VE HAPPENED if he fought for us? He could’ve been a part of all the LOVE and WINS my son & I now live. Isn’t that what marriage is about? To go thru the good & bad together… then get stronger and celebrate our wins together?
THEN IT HIT ME… mistakes & missed opportunities have NO PLACE in my NOW. I was a different person back then… painfully insecure & afraid of being noticed, but wanted SO MUCH to be loved & accepted. My purpose was simply to make my husband & son happy… but all of a sudden, the only world I knew was SHATTERED within HOURS, and I was FORCED to re-write my forever WITHOUT the hero in my story. I had to be brave and learn how to become independent because the one I thought loved me most, decided he’s had enough of my WORTHLESSNESS.
To add to the damage… a few years later, I dated a guy whom everyone believed *I* was lucky to get any attention from, and when I ended things due to his narcissistic nature, those closest to me shut me out… soon after, I was assaulted by a parent from J’s school during a camping trip, and many I confided in told me not to make a scene, then spread terrible lies attacking my character.
MY EX WAS RIGHT, I was WORTHLESS. But it was then, when I felt completely beaten down, that I HAD TO BELIEVE God loves me JUST AS MUCH as He adores the happiest, most admired & successful people… I HAD TO BELIEVE He wouldn’t have gifted me this incredible little boy if He didn’t trust my strength, capacity to love, and ability to make wise choices. I HAD to FORGIVE EVERYONE who hurt me because I NEEDED to escape from that hell… and I HAD TO ACCEPT love, value, & trust in MYSELF.
TRAUMATIC EVENTS SUX ROCKS, but you fight through them… Plans change, but there’s always a different path… People will hate all over you, but you learn to fly above their filth… You’ll try your best and make mistakes, then screw up even more; while others seem to live life so effortlessly, but it’s NOT THE END until YOU stop trying… YOU WILL SURVIVE and your WIN is GUARANTEED, but only if YOU FOLLOW THROUGH – no matter what.
I have ONE child, but I have a dozen sweet kids I teach love, kindness, & self respect to every year… and because J’s my aide, he’s the great role model I’ve always believed he could be. I show those who are hurting how to be courageous and see themselves through God’s eyes. I teach people how to discover true happiness from within and step up to be THE HERO in their life story.
8 years later, I have a teen in whom I’ve instilled strong & positive morals & values, who still thinks his mom is kinda cool… an abundance of love & friendship from beautiful souls across the globe (who patiently read through my FB novels)… countless achievements & contributions that fills my life… and INNER PEACE from trusting God and the universe to always take care of me and my son.
I may NOT have control over EVERYTHING that happens, but I’ve learned to practice my FREEDOM to choose my attitude & response to ANYTHING that happens. I’ll never know what COULD HAVE BEEN, but I’m so grateful and happy for WHAT IS.
Happy Anniversary, y’all! XOXO